


love, love is gonna lead you by the hand

by mischief7manager



Series: do you still believe in love i wonder [7]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bathing/Washing, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-30
Updated: 2017-08-30
Packaged: 2018-12-21 15:54:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11947590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mischief7manager/pseuds/mischief7manager
Summary: "Vax looked terrible. His hair was falling in long, sweat-dark strands around his face, escaping erratically from its usually well-kept topknot. At not even halfway through his ambulance clinic rotation, just one step in his paramedic training, the bags under Vax’s eyes were nigh-omnipresent, but this evening looked even darker than usual. He was wearing his emergency backup clothes, the old t-shirt and sweatpants he kept at the EMS station for when he didn’t feel like wearing his uniform home. He blinked slowly when he saw Shaun, face heavy with weariness. 'Hey.''Hey.' Shaun walked over slowly, placing a hand on Vax’s shoulder. 'Long day?'"Some days are better than other days. Shaun Gilmore's here for both.





	love, love is gonna lead you by the hand

**Author's Note:**

> i will finish all the prompts in my inbox!! i swear it!!!!!!
> 
> this fic contains vax dealing with his own mental and emotional response to offscreen trauma and violence, including the death and injury of children. nothing is shown or described explicitly, but take care of yourselves, babes.
> 
> from an anonymous tumblr prompt for "having their hair washed by the other." title from "love, love, love" by the mountain goats. no spoilers.

Shaun Gilmore hummed to himself, hitting “send” on the last of his business emails for the day. Groaning, he stood and stretched his arms over his head, wincing as what felt like every vertebrae in his back popped at once. It was nearly four months since the grand re-opening of Gilmore’s Glorious Goods, and things were finally settling back into a familiar rhythm. Hopefully, with the last of his suppliers back on board, he could, at last, put the ill events of the past behind him.

The sound of a key turning a lock made him smile. “There you are, Vax,” he called, leaving his study and heading toward the front door. “I’m feeling takeout for dinner tonight, there’s a lovely Thai place that delivers to this area, and I’ve been craving phad se-ew-”

He broke off. Vax looked terrible. His hair was falling in long, sweat-dark strands around his face, escaping erratically from its usually well-kept topknot. At not even halfway through his ambulance clinic rotation, just one step in his paramedic training, the bags under Vax’s eyes were nigh-omnipresent, but this evening looked even darker than usual. He was wearing his emergency backup clothes, the old t-shirt and sweatpants he kept at the EMS station for when he didn’t feel like wearing his uniform home. He blinked slowly when he saw Shaun, face heavy with weariness. “Hey.”

“Hey.” Shaun walked over slowly, placing a hand on Vax’s shoulder. “Long day?”

Vax leaned into the touch, and Shaun braced himself just in time for Vax to drop his forehead to his shoulder, Shaun’s arms coming up to catch him. “Yeah,” he said, muffled against Shaun’s shirt, “yeah. Long day.”

Shaun hummed soothingly, running his hands over Vax’s back. “I’m sorry, love,” he said, and he felt Vax’s breath catch. “Is there anything I can do?”

Vax shrugged. “It’s- I’m just tired, really. It’s fine.”

Shaun frowned. “Well, in any case, you need to get cleaned up.”

Vax nodded, pulling away. “I know, I’m a mess, I should’ve taken a shower at the station, but I-” He looked at Shaun, then away. “I just wanted to see you.” 

It broke Shaun’s heart that nearly half a year into their relationship, it still hurt Vax to admit when he needed someone. “I’m here, my bird,” he said, tipping Vax’s face up with a gentle hand and kissing him softly. “Whatever you need.”

Vax bit his lip. “I don’t- I don’t know.” 

He took a shuddering breath, then another, and Shaun could feel him beginning to tip into panic, now that he wasn’t focused on getting to the apartment. “Alright,” Shaun said, rubbing his hands over Vax’s shoulders to ground him, “alright, how’s this: let’s go draw you a bath and get you cleaned up. Would that help?”

Vax closed his eyes and inhaled slowly, exhaled slowly. “Yeah,” he said finally, “that sounds good.”

Shaun squeezed his shoulders. “Okay.” He slid his hand down Vax’s arm until he could twine their fingers together. “Okay.”

He led Vax back toward the bathroom. It had been one of the selling points of this apartment when he first opened the shop, one of the main reasons he’d rented this place instead of finding another and commuting to work. Vax had, on lighter occasions, described the tub as “sinfully large,” which it was, and thrust out from the wall, meaning one could climb in from three of the four sides. The two of them had enjoyed frequent opportunities to come up with creative methods of… “communal bathing”, one might say. 

Tonight, though, was just about comfort. Shaun led Vax in and sat him down on the closed toilet lid while he began filling the bathtub. On a whim, he added the last of his bath salts, the lavender ones that Vax always said smelled nice. He wouldn’t be able to replace them for a while, rebuilding the shop and having an extended hospital stay cutting down on his ability to spend money on little luxuries, but. 

Well. Vax was worth it. 

As he finished the preparations, Shaun felt his phone buzz from his pocket. Frowning, he pulled it out to find a new text from Keyleth, which turned into a rapid-fire series of texts:

_ hey is vax w/u?  _

_ i know he always spends tues nights @ yours  _

_ but he called me after his shift and he sounded really bad _

_ i’m kind of worried _

_ like he sounded REALLY bad _

_ fuck i’m sorry i don’t want 2 butt in on ur night but i haven’t heard him like that in a while _

_ i don’t want him 2 go back 2 where he was right after vex’s accident _

“What is it?”

Shaun glanced away from his phone to find Vax looking up at him blearily. “It’s Keyleth.” He paused. “Is it alright if I tell her how you’re doing?” In polyamory as in most things in life, Shaun was finding, communication was key, and the trio of them had worked hard to maintain open and honest lines of conversation, but they all understood the equally important value of privacy.

Vax nodded, slowly. “...yeah. Yeah. That’s fine.” He huffed, almost a laugh. “I suppose it’s too much to ask her not to worry about me, huh.”

“Of course she worries.” Shaun reached out to touch Vax’s shoulder. “We both do, just as you worry about us.” 

Vax looked away. “Yeah.”

After a moment, Shaun pulled away to answer Keyleth.  _ He’s here. He says it was a long shift, so we’re going to take it easy for tonight, and he has his meds in my cupboard if he needs them. I’ll let you know if I need reinforcements. _

Her response came only a few moments later.  _ k thank u _

_ seriously, thank you <3 _

_ take care of him, ok?  _

_ i mean i kno u will but _

_ take care of him _

Shaun smiled. 

_ I will. _

He set his phone on the counter next to the sink. “Alright,” he said, allowing just a touch of teasing to creep into his voice, “let’s get you out of those clothes.”

Vax smiled, but it was halfhearted at best. He stripped down, unselfconscious in the way that meant his mind was wholly occupied with other matters. He stepped into the steaming tub, wincing before relaxing into the heat. 

“Is it-” Shaun said, already reaching for the knobs to run more cool water, but Vax shook his head.

“It’s fine,” he said, “it’s fine.” Slowly, he closed his eyes and sank into the water, until only his neck and head remained above the surface. 

Shaun waited until Vax had opened his eyes before moving to kneel behind his head next to the tub. Slowly, giving time for Vax to speak or move if objected, he began to undo the topknot, pulling gently until Vax’s hair spilled over onto the edge of the tub. He ran his hands through it, finger-combing as best he could, and paused.

There was dried blood caked into Vax’s hair.

“It’s not mine.”

Vax’s voice was flat, as though giving it inflection would require energy he could no longer muster. “I washed as much as I could off my skin, but.” He lifted one shoulder, sending ripples through the water. 

“Vax…” Shaun’s hands pressed against his lover’s scalp, and he forced himself to breathe. “We need to clean this off.”

Vax nodded, and without another word slipped down until he was completely submerged in the bath. He stayed under for one heartbeat, two, three, then surfaced, inhaling sharply and pushing the wet hair back from his face. He reached out toward his shampoo, in its caddy on the edge of the tub as always, and nearly knocked it to the floor, hand shaking. “Shit.  _ Shit _ .” He curled his hand into a fist, white-knuckled, and pressed it to his mouth. “Fuck.”

Shaun pulled the fist away, tucked it between his hands until it unclenched and he could bring it to his lips. “Here,” he said, pressing a kiss to Vax’s knuckles. “Let me.” 

Slowly, he picked up the bottle and poured a little into his hand. “Tell me if anything hurts,” he said, waiting until Vax caught his eye and nodded to begin rubbing the shampoo into his scalp. 

He worked for several minutes, massaging the shampoo into the roots of Vax’s hair and on down, being especially gentle for the knots and snarls that had formed. He’d worked up a good lather, and was just wondering if he ought to duck out and grab a cup or something to pour water with, when Vax broke the silence. 

“It was bad today.” 

Shaun paused. “It was?”

Vax nodded. “There was a- an accident. A bad one, out on the highway. Six or seven cars.” He kept his eyes on the rippling water as he spoke. “There were kids.”

“Oh, Vax…” Shaun dipped his hand into the water, rinsing off the suds so he could drop it to Vax’s shoulder.

Vax shook his head. “It’s not- It shouldn’t bother me. Right? I mean-” He twisted in the tub to face Shaun, splashing water over the sides and splattering Shaun’s shirt with water and bubbles. “It’s my job, or it’s gonna be. I should be used to- to seeing things. Like this.” 

Shaun cupped his cheek with one hand. Vax leaned into the touch, and Shaun’s heart ached at the sight of him so lost. “Close your eyes.”

Vax did, immediately, and Shaun guided him until he was sitting upright in the tub, head tilted back. Careful to keep the flow of water away from Vax’s face, he began cupping water in his hands and rinsing away the suds. “I think,” he said, “that becoming used to seeing the kind of pain and violence you’ll see in this work would mean shutting yourself off from the parts of you that make you able to do this job.” He placed a hand on Vax’s forehead, blocking the water as he poured it over Vax’s scalp. “You have so much empathy for others, for their pain.” He paused, running his fingers through Vax’s hair. “It’s one of the things I… admire most about you.” 

In the approaching six months of their relationship, Shaun had never told Vax he loved him. He’d not told anyone he loved them in many years, a byproduct of his travel and his reluctance to grow attached to those who generally only stayed as long as their attention spans could be kept. It was getting harder to keep even a sliver of objectivity.

It was getting harder to convince himself he wanted to. 

Shaking himself from his introspection, Shaun gathered more water in his hands. “It’s worth saying, my dear,” he said, “that you don’t  _ have _ to pursue this training any further. If it’s causing you too much stress or strain-”

“I want to do it.” Vax kept his eyes closed, but there was no hesitation in his voice. “I want to help people. When I found you in your shop, or when Vex…” He trailed off, swallowing hard. “I couldn’t do anything. I want to help.” 

Shaun smiled. “Then I will do my best to help  _ you _ .” 

He ran his wet fingers through Vax’s hair, rinsing out the last of the lather and suds. “There,” he said. “All done.” 

With a sigh, Vax opened his eyes and twisted to face Shaun. “Thank you. I know I’m not-” He huffed. “I’m not much fun when I’m like this.” 

There was a lot Shaun could say to that: that it wasn’t Vax’s job to be “fun” all the time, that Shaun would gladly be with him whatever his mental state, that every person that had ever made him feel worthless or a burden deserved nothing but the most painful torment his considerable imagination could bestow. But he got the sense that none of that would help, in this moment, so he just took Vax’s face in his hands and kissed him on the forehead. 

“Any time,” he said. “Now, let’s get you dried off and into bed. You must be exhausted.” 

“You always want to get me into bed.” 

It was a feeble joke, but Vax was smiling, so Shaun laughed anyway. “True! I think we’ll stick to our less energetic activities tonight, however,” he said, adopting a tone of deliberate nonchalance. “I find myself quite in need of a cuddle.” 

Vax’s smile grew a little brighter. “I think I can do that.” 

And really, what was Shaun supposed to do in response to that but kiss him. 

Which he did. 

**Author's Note:**

> yes vex's death does happen in this canon no i haven't figured out how i'm going to write it yet


End file.
